I started a post a few months ago and entitled it "What is Healing?" It was going to be about how/what healing looks like for us but more specifically for my brother. It was going to talk about how healing might look like being able to breath without assistance, or after a bad accident, being able to push yourself in a wheelchair after being bed ridden for so long. I didn't get a chance to post it; mostly because I never finished writing it and then myb brother died.
I really, honestly believed that God would've healed my brother. In my head, healing was him getting up out of that hospital bed, getting off that ventilator and walking and talking and breathing all on his own. In my head, he would be alright. Instead he died. About a week after his death we buried him but during that time God took me back to what healing was and I had to change my view of healing. I had to adopt the view that my brother was healed. Maybe not in the way that I wanted or in the way that I had hoped but he was healed. He was not in pain, he wasn't suffering anymore...and that 's ultimately what I was praying for.
Sometimes we pray and we ask God for things. We pray - have your way but really what we mean is answer my prayer, my way. We pray for a job and in our head we have something with a corner office but instead the opportunity comes around to work with a group of homeless kids at a shelter but we don't want that job because that's not what we prayed for. Or we pray for a car and we get a chance to buy a 1990 Corolla but we really wanted something newer.
Don't get me wrong, God does answer prayers. At times when we are so specific in things He would give us that thing but most times, God's answers are unconventional and let's be honest, not really what we were hoping for. However, they are never wrong!
Through my brother's death, I am learning about God's goodness, God's promises and God's answers. What we perceive as wrong or inconvenient (at that moment) God is seeing the whole picture and just waiting for us to get to the place, that moment that He saw, and realize... ohhhh this is why You gave me this instead of that.
If I could say this - be blessed. Whatever God gives you, albeit unconventional, know that there is a purpose. My brother's healing my way may have meant more years in pain or a very, very long drawn out process to death. Healing God's way - he's fine. He's in the arms of Jesus. The Bible says that God knows what we need even before we ask so we must trust that God's answers God's way will always be the best for us. So trust God. We may not see it now - in the pain, in the hurt, in the confusion - but when we do, we will see that God does answer our prayers :)
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Friday, June 6, 2014
From life to death and back again
Ever have that feeling that when it rains, it pours?? How about when it is pouring, there has to be lightning and thunder and wind gushes? That's where I am now - in a torrential downpour. The year 2014 has not been favorable towards me. Everything that could go wrong, seems to have gone wrong. In the last six months, I feel I have been stretched and tugged, tossed and turned.
My friends and I decided we wanted to start a Beth Moore study - Believing God. I thought it would be awesome to take a look at my faith and challenge it. To actually believe God! How little I knew!!
Before the study could get started, I was already being put to the test. There was a terrible incident in my family and I already had to examine if I really believed God to make it better. As things in my life went from bad to worse, I realized I actually NEEDED to start that study. Something about wanting to know what I needed to do to believe God more propelled me on.
In the middle of the study, more bad news arrived... and later still more. As I sat and thought about how the devil was using my family as a playground, how my faith and belief in God was being pushed to the absolute limits, I couldn't help but cry. The bible says that God will never give us more than we can bear. It also says that He knows exactly what we need. I am wondering just how much I can bear.
I am waiting for the moment I collapse but for some reason, God has given me this undeniable strength to keep standing. I feel like everything is collapsing around me, everything that could go wrong is going wrong, yet, I'm believing God to do the impossible!!
I want to .... I don't know. I want to cry, I want to ask God why yet, all I can do is sing praises to God. I sometimes get the thought that maybe God has forsaken me, maybe even just sitting there watching, but in those times, I think of what could have been. What should have been and I can't believe that God forgot or is a bystander in my life. I remember that God is so very intimately involved in my life, He is my biggest fan, my biggest supporter for me to succeed. With a coach and cheerleader like Him, how can I fail?
So in December 2013, I was in a place of life and I felt that January 2014 brought death. I watched dreams and plans I had, that I believed God was blessing, die. I watched challenges and circumstances arise and I felt I was in the valley of death. But just like Ezekial saw in that valley of dry bones, that valley of undeniable death, "they stood on their feet and exceedingly great army". There was life to be found! In the midst of the worse time, (I mean what could be worse than death??), God showed Ezekial that it wasn't over. That even in the midst of death, life can happen.
So, I feel as this is my journey. from life to death and back again (to life). Even without the study (that I have yet to get into the full swing of), I realize I am believing God. Could my faith be deeper, stronger, bolder? Of course! Always. But I have faith. I do believe that God is in control, that He is working things out for my good, for His glory. So as I stand in the valley of death, I live. I choose to live. I choose to speak life over me and every situation surrounding me.
My friends and I decided we wanted to start a Beth Moore study - Believing God. I thought it would be awesome to take a look at my faith and challenge it. To actually believe God! How little I knew!!
Before the study could get started, I was already being put to the test. There was a terrible incident in my family and I already had to examine if I really believed God to make it better. As things in my life went from bad to worse, I realized I actually NEEDED to start that study. Something about wanting to know what I needed to do to believe God more propelled me on.
In the middle of the study, more bad news arrived... and later still more. As I sat and thought about how the devil was using my family as a playground, how my faith and belief in God was being pushed to the absolute limits, I couldn't help but cry. The bible says that God will never give us more than we can bear. It also says that He knows exactly what we need. I am wondering just how much I can bear.
I am waiting for the moment I collapse but for some reason, God has given me this undeniable strength to keep standing. I feel like everything is collapsing around me, everything that could go wrong is going wrong, yet, I'm believing God to do the impossible!!
I want to .... I don't know. I want to cry, I want to ask God why yet, all I can do is sing praises to God. I sometimes get the thought that maybe God has forsaken me, maybe even just sitting there watching, but in those times, I think of what could have been. What should have been and I can't believe that God forgot or is a bystander in my life. I remember that God is so very intimately involved in my life, He is my biggest fan, my biggest supporter for me to succeed. With a coach and cheerleader like Him, how can I fail?
So in December 2013, I was in a place of life and I felt that January 2014 brought death. I watched dreams and plans I had, that I believed God was blessing, die. I watched challenges and circumstances arise and I felt I was in the valley of death. But just like Ezekial saw in that valley of dry bones, that valley of undeniable death, "they stood on their feet and exceedingly great army". There was life to be found! In the midst of the worse time, (I mean what could be worse than death??), God showed Ezekial that it wasn't over. That even in the midst of death, life can happen.
So, I feel as this is my journey. from life to death and back again (to life). Even without the study (that I have yet to get into the full swing of), I realize I am believing God. Could my faith be deeper, stronger, bolder? Of course! Always. But I have faith. I do believe that God is in control, that He is working things out for my good, for His glory. So as I stand in the valley of death, I live. I choose to live. I choose to speak life over me and every situation surrounding me.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Ashes to Ashes
It's been quite a start to the new year. There has been a lot of death in my life. Death of plans, ideas and family. Two months into the year and I can say that this has probably been the hardest start to any new year for me. I am alive and in good health so really, what is there to complain about? I am not complaining, just making observations.
Almost every day I turn on the news there is a story about death. Sometimes senseless deaths, sometimes unexpected but all tragic. When you hear about teenagers cyberbullying or "in person" bullying and then hear that the person committed suicide, how do you deal with that? Or how about the man who was drunk and got behind the wheel of his car and killed someone? Then there is the man who went to a mall and killed people? I begin to wonder "where can I be safe outside of my home?"
Then I think of my own life - dreams and plans that I had suddenly gone. Making plans and decision only to find out that nothing is going to happen. And while I was recovering from that, have a family member die.
Relationships in my life are also dying. Busy work schedules, conflicting work schedules, money, family....it all seems to be in the forefront in the lives of my friends and causing relationships to sink. Of course, there is the occasional text and email but what ever happened to face to face meetings?? I miss those. So there is the death to another thing.
So with death all around, where do you go to escape it? I am going to say you go to Jesus but to be honest, my relationship with Christ is also running on embers. Life has taken a very interesting twist and a turn that has me spinning in circles. My footing has become so unsure but here's what I have learned:
1. If something is dead, bury it! there is no use trying to bring back the dead. The stench has already set in, it's just time to let go and move on.
2. If there is a hope, an honest to goodness hope of "not now but later" put it on life support. It's not dead but right now it can't really survive in it's current condition. However, sometimes this may mean a full recovery of your dream, plan, even loved one but you must also be willing to accept that there may be no recovery and you will have to let it go.
3. If it's mostly alive but injured, take care of it. You want something to get better, whether that be a severed relationship, an idea or vision you would like to do for yourself, nurture it, help it to grow and starve off death.
Your ashes to ashes moment may come when you least expect it but it always comes especially when you are serving Christ. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Things die but something beautiful is birthed in it's place.
Almost every day I turn on the news there is a story about death. Sometimes senseless deaths, sometimes unexpected but all tragic. When you hear about teenagers cyberbullying or "in person" bullying and then hear that the person committed suicide, how do you deal with that? Or how about the man who was drunk and got behind the wheel of his car and killed someone? Then there is the man who went to a mall and killed people? I begin to wonder "where can I be safe outside of my home?"
Then I think of my own life - dreams and plans that I had suddenly gone. Making plans and decision only to find out that nothing is going to happen. And while I was recovering from that, have a family member die.
Relationships in my life are also dying. Busy work schedules, conflicting work schedules, money, family....it all seems to be in the forefront in the lives of my friends and causing relationships to sink. Of course, there is the occasional text and email but what ever happened to face to face meetings?? I miss those. So there is the death to another thing.
So with death all around, where do you go to escape it? I am going to say you go to Jesus but to be honest, my relationship with Christ is also running on embers. Life has taken a very interesting twist and a turn that has me spinning in circles. My footing has become so unsure but here's what I have learned:
1. If something is dead, bury it! there is no use trying to bring back the dead. The stench has already set in, it's just time to let go and move on.
2. If there is a hope, an honest to goodness hope of "not now but later" put it on life support. It's not dead but right now it can't really survive in it's current condition. However, sometimes this may mean a full recovery of your dream, plan, even loved one but you must also be willing to accept that there may be no recovery and you will have to let it go.
3. If it's mostly alive but injured, take care of it. You want something to get better, whether that be a severed relationship, an idea or vision you would like to do for yourself, nurture it, help it to grow and starve off death.
Your ashes to ashes moment may come when you least expect it but it always comes especially when you are serving Christ. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Things die but something beautiful is birthed in it's place.
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