So this year has been so rough for me. I feel as if I've seen more valleys than I've seen mountain tops YET, I am so very grateful for every valley I've seen. At the beginning of the semester last year God gave me one promise concerning school - you will never be put to shame. I've held on to that promise like you wouldn't believe. I'd already failed a class and it was such a struggle to go back. I felt as if I were to go back I would have to hang my head in shame. Last year over the summer, God told me to lift up my head.
Here I was at the beginning of 2008 and that was the only thing God spoke to me. I made it my foundation to stand on, well as far as school went. So I made it through the semester and then September came. I was fine until I went away on a retreat. It was so amazing. God could not have orchestrated it any better. I came back with such a passion and a fire for God. It was amazing. Almost two weeks later, this unbelieveable fear gripped me. It was unlike anything I've ever known in my walk with God. It was so paralyzing. All I could hear was "you're not going to graduate. You're going to fail again. What will everyone say? You're a failure" It was so overwhelming that I actually began to put myself in danger of failing. This fear was affecting my school work, my clinical performance, exams...me. God never said that I was going to fail but yet here I was failing because of what I did, not what God did.
My worship began to suffer. I sat in service for about two fridays and two Sundays and couldn't enter in to the presence of God. I was becoming more and more fearful and more and more in bondage because of this fear. My quiet time with God was just that - quiet. I couldn't even pray. Then one day I'm sitting in my room, TV on mute, computer on and just sitting. I began to feel as if I was suffocating. This fear was beginning to suck the life out of me. For some reason, and I can't explain why, I lifted my hands and just cried. It was almost as if every tear carried with it the fear that so gripped my heart and with each tear came a freedom like I've never known.
So at the end of the night, all I could do was rejoice and claim the word that God had given to me; to declare it! At the end of 2008 I am beginning to see promises that God made to me when I was 14 years old come to fullness. Things that God said I would be doing are beginning to happen and I'm excited to enter 2009. It is truly going to be the year of the miraculous. I guess I would be remissed if I didn't mention that I am graduating in about three weeks with grades that only could've been by the grace and mercy of God! See you in 2009
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Finals are here!
So, I named the blog "Battle Cries" because when I wrote my first entry, may be even long before then, there was this cry that rose up in me. It was a cry for God to change me, change the people that I talk to and change the world. It was cry of war. The kind that you yell as you run toward the enemy; the kind that felt like you were screaming at the top of your lungs but it sounded like a sweet song of worship.
Well, I'm at the end of my semester with only 3 more days to go next week and I feel like I've been marching around the wall Jericho and it has yet to fall. It's like the midnight hour is almost here and my battle cry is starting to sound like a whimper. My youth pastor always says "if you're 'fishing' here and the 'fish' aren't biting, they're plenty of 'fish in the sea so cast your net on the other side'". That's how I feel at the end of two years!! I've been fishing and nothing has happened. Yet, I feel like I should still keep casting my net on "this" side. I'm graduating and I still have yet to see fruit.
I don't want to give up. I know that they know where I stand, that I love my Lord. I have not been ashamed and everything I've said matched what I've done and vice versa. Yet, I think I want more! I want to walk into class one day and have them ask to know the Jesus that I love. However,classes are over but I'll keep praying. I'll keep going with my battle cries....for my friends, my family, this generation...
Well, I'm at the end of my semester with only 3 more days to go next week and I feel like I've been marching around the wall Jericho and it has yet to fall. It's like the midnight hour is almost here and my battle cry is starting to sound like a whimper. My youth pastor always says "if you're 'fishing' here and the 'fish' aren't biting, they're plenty of 'fish in the sea so cast your net on the other side'". That's how I feel at the end of two years!! I've been fishing and nothing has happened. Yet, I feel like I should still keep casting my net on "this" side. I'm graduating and I still have yet to see fruit.
I don't want to give up. I know that they know where I stand, that I love my Lord. I have not been ashamed and everything I've said matched what I've done and vice versa. Yet, I think I want more! I want to walk into class one day and have them ask to know the Jesus that I love. However,classes are over but I'll keep praying. I'll keep going with my battle cries....for my friends, my family, this generation...
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Purpose
I was watching a commercial for a movie on Hallmark. I've got to say that I admittingly love the Hallmark channel. The movies are clean and such tearjerkers but anyways, I"m watching the commercial and the lady asks the guy "What is your purpose in life?" and his reply: "to be happy" then she said: "It's to make a difference" Then I thought about it and realized...that's MY purpose; that's what God has called me to, called all of us to.
When He said, "go and make disciples....be fruitful" it was a call for our purpose. It wasn't just about me any more. God was giving me a reason to live. I wasn't just suppose to aimlessly roam the earth, nor was I suppose to just be content with my own salvation and serving Christ. There should be, has to be, must be....fruit. My purpose is to make a difference. When Jesus walked this earth, that's all He did, make a difference. By speaking to one person at a well, He changed her life. By telling one man that He saw him while he was sitting under a tree, Jesus made his day.
I could only imagine what me saying hello to someone, smiling at someone, listening to someone, changes their whole life. That they'd remember that girl that did something not extraordinary, just out of the ordinary and it would cause them to want to know why. Then I'd be able to say "because Someone did it for me". I know that sounds corny and maybe a little unrealistic but why can't it happen? Someone did do it for me. He died, He lived and after all...He chose me.
So what's my purpose? To make a difference. Not to just be here, not to just be content that I'm going to heaven but to change the life of someone just like Christ changed mine. I think that by me doing something out of the ordinary (saying hello to a complete stranger) God will do something extraordinary :)
When He said, "go and make disciples....be fruitful" it was a call for our purpose. It wasn't just about me any more. God was giving me a reason to live. I wasn't just suppose to aimlessly roam the earth, nor was I suppose to just be content with my own salvation and serving Christ. There should be, has to be, must be....fruit. My purpose is to make a difference. When Jesus walked this earth, that's all He did, make a difference. By speaking to one person at a well, He changed her life. By telling one man that He saw him while he was sitting under a tree, Jesus made his day.
I could only imagine what me saying hello to someone, smiling at someone, listening to someone, changes their whole life. That they'd remember that girl that did something not extraordinary, just out of the ordinary and it would cause them to want to know why. Then I'd be able to say "because Someone did it for me". I know that sounds corny and maybe a little unrealistic but why can't it happen? Someone did do it for me. He died, He lived and after all...He chose me.
So what's my purpose? To make a difference. Not to just be here, not to just be content that I'm going to heaven but to change the life of someone just like Christ changed mine. I think that by me doing something out of the ordinary (saying hello to a complete stranger) God will do something extraordinary :)
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Fear
So about a month ago I came back with an awesome, renewed passion for God and then WHAM! I became overwhelmed with fear that I was not going to pass my class; I was not going to graduate. After all the time I spent, including a failed class, this was it. I would have nothing to show for it. It was almost crippling me to the point where I was messing up in my clinical rotation. I just saw myself being taken over by this fear and I couldn’t do anything about it. It was paralyzing. I was trying in school to make sure that I did well but my professor was “yelling” at me and things just seemed to be getting worse. How do I overcome this fear? How do I “fix” it? The thing is, I can’t. I was so paralyzed by it that I didn’t know what to do, when do it or even where to begin. I felt as if I prayed and the fear only got worse, heavier, scarier. I have never been in this position before and it really is debilitating. Yet somewhere in the back of my head I hear God saying “you will never be put to shame”. Shame would be if I failed…again…and I didn’t graduate after telling everyone that I was going to. Shame would be having to look in the faces of my friends and family and say that after three years, I have nothing to show for it. Shame would be hearing any of my professors say that I didn’t pass. I know what He says but it’s barely a whisper and the loudness of all the fear is overwhelming.
Then….then I began to hear my…my heart’s song. It sang for the first time of how afraid I was and then something happened. As I began to pen the words it was like a fresh breeze was washing over me. With each word I wrote, there was a freedom from the fear that was coming. To be honest, I haven’t really looked back at the song. I know I need to edit it and make it “right” but a part of me feels as if it’s fine. I feel as if I wrote it simply to bring freedom to my soul; to lighten my burden. It was good…the sounds good by the way Best song I’ve ever written. I guess because this means something; it is something so much more personal. Although, now that I think about it so was “Prodigal Daughter”. That came out of personal experience. Then there are other songs that I wrote that don’t seem so… right. I think I just wrote them. It makes sense now though. Songs that mean so much, that are big hits, always come out of personal experience
Tonight, December 3, 2008, God spoke again. He told me that I must have confidence in Him; trust Him even though I might not understand, I might not see the end but I know that He’s…well, He’s God. I don’t have to worry, I don’t have to doubt. I know it’ll be alright and sometimes it takes a little while for me to get to that point BUT the journey to get there is not without it’s lessons and I learn every one of them. So…I will graduate on January 31st 2009. I will pass my finals, my class and on January 12, 2009, Professor Tesoro will place a nursing pin on me, give me a hug and I will say “thank you” all the while praising God because He did it! He brought me this far and will take me further.
Then….then I began to hear my…my heart’s song. It sang for the first time of how afraid I was and then something happened. As I began to pen the words it was like a fresh breeze was washing over me. With each word I wrote, there was a freedom from the fear that was coming. To be honest, I haven’t really looked back at the song. I know I need to edit it and make it “right” but a part of me feels as if it’s fine. I feel as if I wrote it simply to bring freedom to my soul; to lighten my burden. It was good…the sounds good by the way Best song I’ve ever written. I guess because this means something; it is something so much more personal. Although, now that I think about it so was “Prodigal Daughter”. That came out of personal experience. Then there are other songs that I wrote that don’t seem so… right. I think I just wrote them. It makes sense now though. Songs that mean so much, that are big hits, always come out of personal experience
Tonight, December 3, 2008, God spoke again. He told me that I must have confidence in Him; trust Him even though I might not understand, I might not see the end but I know that He’s…well, He’s God. I don’t have to worry, I don’t have to doubt. I know it’ll be alright and sometimes it takes a little while for me to get to that point BUT the journey to get there is not without it’s lessons and I learn every one of them. So…I will graduate on January 31st 2009. I will pass my finals, my class and on January 12, 2009, Professor Tesoro will place a nursing pin on me, give me a hug and I will say “thank you” all the while praising God because He did it! He brought me this far and will take me further.
What now?
So I’ve been pretty sure that once I graduate, I will go to work in a hospital, in pediatrics, for a year and then go to the mission field. Now, I’m not so sure. Now I think the hospital is not even an option for me anymore. I feel as if God is saying to me that I need to be a part of on call missions. Okay that’s not a problem BUT I think that means be in the office as the medical person on staff in the missions department. HUH? Me? Have you met me? Hahaha.
Now I feel divided. What does that mean for jrhigh if I’m suppose to be a part of on-call or intervarsity? Does that mean I should prepare myself to begin moving out of the jrhigh role and into some place else? Does that mean that I should prepare myself to work in both areas? All? None? I think this is where the fear began….
Now I feel divided. What does that mean for jrhigh if I’m suppose to be a part of on-call or intervarsity? Does that mean I should prepare myself to begin moving out of the jrhigh role and into some place else? Does that mean that I should prepare myself to work in both areas? All? None? I think this is where the fear began….
TBE
I have been challenged and stretched by God so much this year. I've been pulled out of my comfort zone and place in situations where I know that had it not been for God, I would not have been able to do it. Two days before I received an email to volunteer for Intervarsity's Big Event weekend, I was praying and asking God what I was suppose to do with all the information/revelations that He was giving me. God was showing me things that I didn't think the Jr. High population would get and I was not involved in any other ministries and then came the email Of course I did not hesitate in responding saying yes to volunteering as a small group leader in the track called "Living for Jesus".
I had about three weeks to prepare for this weekend and so I began praying and fasting. Somewhere along the line I began to think "what was I thinking? These are college students who are looking to live for Jesus in their homes, communities and college campuses. Who am I to speak into their lives?" So fear began to creep into my heart. I was worried that maybe I should not have responded so quickly, or I should've actually prayed about it before responding. However, the more I began to fear and worry, the more I sought the face of God. Despite the fear, I had a peace that this is where I should spend the weekend of Halloween.
So as I was in prayer and fasting God reminded me of a lesson I had taught the Jr. High kids. I had taught on Gideon's army. In older times and in some Asian cultures, in times of war, the oldest male would go because it was his duty. When Gideon told the men to go away if they were afraid or timid, a lot of them left because they probably had just showed up because it was their duty. God told me to expect great things from Him this weekend and not to just show up. I became even more excited because I was expecting God to meet these college students in such a powerful way.
Two days before I was set to leave, I was in prayer and God said to me "I don't want you to just show up. I want you to expect great things from me". All the while, I only thought about the college students, about how awesome it was going to be to see them be blessed and I never thought that I could fall into the same trap of just showing up because I had signed up. So I felt challenged and encouraged by God and excited for a great weekend.
Friday night I asked my small group what their expectations were for the weekend and they told me and I wrote them down and said that I would pray for God to meet those expectations or at least speak to them concerning the expectations and the answers. Saturday afternoon we met again and studied John 4v1-42. During the discussion God showed me that Jesus met the woman at well doing what she was doing every day. She didn't have to do anything extraordinary and Jesus came and met her. Then God amazed me even more by giving me a word for each of them. It wasn't a general encouraging word, it was specific based on their expectations. I have stood before one person and have been able to speak to that person about their situation, but to receive a word on the spot for 7 people was breathtaking.
All I could do at the end of it all was to stand in awe of God. I honestly didn't know what to say. I didn't know if to pray, sing a song of praise or shout it from the mountain top. I stood amazed by God and how He would use someone like me. It was then I realized how much of an open heaven I stood under. Honestly, I've been saved a long time but I have never been in the position that I was in last weekend, nor have I have been so amazed by God. It was beautiful and humbly and… there are no words to describe it. It reminded me that I was never to become comfortable or complacent in my walk with God. It showed me that I was still being challenged and still moving toward heaven's throne.
So while I went to Big Event to expect great things for the college students in the NY/NJ area, God challenged me to not to just show up but expect great things for my own life and He not only met those students, but He met me and I was blessed because of it. Out of this experience birthed a heart and a desire for college campuses. Looking at my skills and who I am, it's a scary thought but I've learned that with God I can do anything and right now all I can say is yes Lord yes Lord yes, yes, Lord
I had about three weeks to prepare for this weekend and so I began praying and fasting. Somewhere along the line I began to think "what was I thinking? These are college students who are looking to live for Jesus in their homes, communities and college campuses. Who am I to speak into their lives?" So fear began to creep into my heart. I was worried that maybe I should not have responded so quickly, or I should've actually prayed about it before responding. However, the more I began to fear and worry, the more I sought the face of God. Despite the fear, I had a peace that this is where I should spend the weekend of Halloween.
So as I was in prayer and fasting God reminded me of a lesson I had taught the Jr. High kids. I had taught on Gideon's army. In older times and in some Asian cultures, in times of war, the oldest male would go because it was his duty. When Gideon told the men to go away if they were afraid or timid, a lot of them left because they probably had just showed up because it was their duty. God told me to expect great things from Him this weekend and not to just show up. I became even more excited because I was expecting God to meet these college students in such a powerful way.
Two days before I was set to leave, I was in prayer and God said to me "I don't want you to just show up. I want you to expect great things from me". All the while, I only thought about the college students, about how awesome it was going to be to see them be blessed and I never thought that I could fall into the same trap of just showing up because I had signed up. So I felt challenged and encouraged by God and excited for a great weekend.
Friday night I asked my small group what their expectations were for the weekend and they told me and I wrote them down and said that I would pray for God to meet those expectations or at least speak to them concerning the expectations and the answers. Saturday afternoon we met again and studied John 4v1-42. During the discussion God showed me that Jesus met the woman at well doing what she was doing every day. She didn't have to do anything extraordinary and Jesus came and met her. Then God amazed me even more by giving me a word for each of them. It wasn't a general encouraging word, it was specific based on their expectations. I have stood before one person and have been able to speak to that person about their situation, but to receive a word on the spot for 7 people was breathtaking.
All I could do at the end of it all was to stand in awe of God. I honestly didn't know what to say. I didn't know if to pray, sing a song of praise or shout it from the mountain top. I stood amazed by God and how He would use someone like me. It was then I realized how much of an open heaven I stood under. Honestly, I've been saved a long time but I have never been in the position that I was in last weekend, nor have I have been so amazed by God. It was beautiful and humbly and… there are no words to describe it. It reminded me that I was never to become comfortable or complacent in my walk with God. It showed me that I was still being challenged and still moving toward heaven's throne.
So while I went to Big Event to expect great things for the college students in the NY/NJ area, God challenged me to not to just show up but expect great things for my own life and He not only met those students, but He met me and I was blessed because of it. Out of this experience birthed a heart and a desire for college campuses. Looking at my skills and who I am, it's a scary thought but I've learned that with God I can do anything and right now all I can say is yes Lord yes Lord yes, yes, Lord
I'm back
Wow. It's definately been a while since I've been on here. I think I forgot I had a blog..oops...well here's what I've written over the past few months..few being like 2. I was going to wait until the new year to begin again, that would put me at about a 2 year gap, but I figured that what I've experienced in the last two months, is worth sharing...so read on with the blogs I posted tonight. Hope it blesses your heart.
I will also try to be diligent in posting something at least twice a month. I can't promise anything more than that :)
I will also try to be diligent in posting something at least twice a month. I can't promise anything more than that :)
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