I started a post a few months ago and entitled it "What is Healing?" It was going to be about how/what healing looks like for us but more specifically for my brother. It was going to talk about how healing might look like being able to breath without assistance, or after a bad accident, being able to push yourself in a wheelchair after being bed ridden for so long. I didn't get a chance to post it; mostly because I never finished writing it and then myb brother died.
I really, honestly believed that God would've healed my brother. In my head, healing was him getting up out of that hospital bed, getting off that ventilator and walking and talking and breathing all on his own. In my head, he would be alright. Instead he died. About a week after his death we buried him but during that time God took me back to what healing was and I had to change my view of healing. I had to adopt the view that my brother was healed. Maybe not in the way that I wanted or in the way that I had hoped but he was healed. He was not in pain, he wasn't suffering anymore...and that 's ultimately what I was praying for.
Sometimes we pray and we ask God for things. We pray - have your way but really what we mean is answer my prayer, my way. We pray for a job and in our head we have something with a corner office but instead the opportunity comes around to work with a group of homeless kids at a shelter but we don't want that job because that's not what we prayed for. Or we pray for a car and we get a chance to buy a 1990 Corolla but we really wanted something newer.
Don't get me wrong, God does answer prayers. At times when we are so specific in things He would give us that thing but most times, God's answers are unconventional and let's be honest, not really what we were hoping for. However, they are never wrong!
Through my brother's death, I am learning about God's goodness, God's promises and God's answers. What we perceive as wrong or inconvenient (at that moment) God is seeing the whole picture and just waiting for us to get to the place, that moment that He saw, and realize... ohhhh this is why You gave me this instead of that.
If I could say this - be blessed. Whatever God gives you, albeit unconventional, know that there is a purpose. My brother's healing my way may have meant more years in pain or a very, very long drawn out process to death. Healing God's way - he's fine. He's in the arms of Jesus. The Bible says that God knows what we need even before we ask so we must trust that God's answers God's way will always be the best for us. So trust God. We may not see it now - in the pain, in the hurt, in the confusion - but when we do, we will see that God does answer our prayers :)
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Friday, June 6, 2014
From life to death and back again
Ever have that feeling that when it rains, it pours?? How about when it is pouring, there has to be lightning and thunder and wind gushes? That's where I am now - in a torrential downpour. The year 2014 has not been favorable towards me. Everything that could go wrong, seems to have gone wrong. In the last six months, I feel I have been stretched and tugged, tossed and turned.
My friends and I decided we wanted to start a Beth Moore study - Believing God. I thought it would be awesome to take a look at my faith and challenge it. To actually believe God! How little I knew!!
Before the study could get started, I was already being put to the test. There was a terrible incident in my family and I already had to examine if I really believed God to make it better. As things in my life went from bad to worse, I realized I actually NEEDED to start that study. Something about wanting to know what I needed to do to believe God more propelled me on.
In the middle of the study, more bad news arrived... and later still more. As I sat and thought about how the devil was using my family as a playground, how my faith and belief in God was being pushed to the absolute limits, I couldn't help but cry. The bible says that God will never give us more than we can bear. It also says that He knows exactly what we need. I am wondering just how much I can bear.
I am waiting for the moment I collapse but for some reason, God has given me this undeniable strength to keep standing. I feel like everything is collapsing around me, everything that could go wrong is going wrong, yet, I'm believing God to do the impossible!!
I want to .... I don't know. I want to cry, I want to ask God why yet, all I can do is sing praises to God. I sometimes get the thought that maybe God has forsaken me, maybe even just sitting there watching, but in those times, I think of what could have been. What should have been and I can't believe that God forgot or is a bystander in my life. I remember that God is so very intimately involved in my life, He is my biggest fan, my biggest supporter for me to succeed. With a coach and cheerleader like Him, how can I fail?
So in December 2013, I was in a place of life and I felt that January 2014 brought death. I watched dreams and plans I had, that I believed God was blessing, die. I watched challenges and circumstances arise and I felt I was in the valley of death. But just like Ezekial saw in that valley of dry bones, that valley of undeniable death, "they stood on their feet and exceedingly great army". There was life to be found! In the midst of the worse time, (I mean what could be worse than death??), God showed Ezekial that it wasn't over. That even in the midst of death, life can happen.
So, I feel as this is my journey. from life to death and back again (to life). Even without the study (that I have yet to get into the full swing of), I realize I am believing God. Could my faith be deeper, stronger, bolder? Of course! Always. But I have faith. I do believe that God is in control, that He is working things out for my good, for His glory. So as I stand in the valley of death, I live. I choose to live. I choose to speak life over me and every situation surrounding me.
My friends and I decided we wanted to start a Beth Moore study - Believing God. I thought it would be awesome to take a look at my faith and challenge it. To actually believe God! How little I knew!!
Before the study could get started, I was already being put to the test. There was a terrible incident in my family and I already had to examine if I really believed God to make it better. As things in my life went from bad to worse, I realized I actually NEEDED to start that study. Something about wanting to know what I needed to do to believe God more propelled me on.
In the middle of the study, more bad news arrived... and later still more. As I sat and thought about how the devil was using my family as a playground, how my faith and belief in God was being pushed to the absolute limits, I couldn't help but cry. The bible says that God will never give us more than we can bear. It also says that He knows exactly what we need. I am wondering just how much I can bear.
I am waiting for the moment I collapse but for some reason, God has given me this undeniable strength to keep standing. I feel like everything is collapsing around me, everything that could go wrong is going wrong, yet, I'm believing God to do the impossible!!
I want to .... I don't know. I want to cry, I want to ask God why yet, all I can do is sing praises to God. I sometimes get the thought that maybe God has forsaken me, maybe even just sitting there watching, but in those times, I think of what could have been. What should have been and I can't believe that God forgot or is a bystander in my life. I remember that God is so very intimately involved in my life, He is my biggest fan, my biggest supporter for me to succeed. With a coach and cheerleader like Him, how can I fail?
So in December 2013, I was in a place of life and I felt that January 2014 brought death. I watched dreams and plans I had, that I believed God was blessing, die. I watched challenges and circumstances arise and I felt I was in the valley of death. But just like Ezekial saw in that valley of dry bones, that valley of undeniable death, "they stood on their feet and exceedingly great army". There was life to be found! In the midst of the worse time, (I mean what could be worse than death??), God showed Ezekial that it wasn't over. That even in the midst of death, life can happen.
So, I feel as this is my journey. from life to death and back again (to life). Even without the study (that I have yet to get into the full swing of), I realize I am believing God. Could my faith be deeper, stronger, bolder? Of course! Always. But I have faith. I do believe that God is in control, that He is working things out for my good, for His glory. So as I stand in the valley of death, I live. I choose to live. I choose to speak life over me and every situation surrounding me.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Ashes to Ashes
It's been quite a start to the new year. There has been a lot of death in my life. Death of plans, ideas and family. Two months into the year and I can say that this has probably been the hardest start to any new year for me. I am alive and in good health so really, what is there to complain about? I am not complaining, just making observations.
Almost every day I turn on the news there is a story about death. Sometimes senseless deaths, sometimes unexpected but all tragic. When you hear about teenagers cyberbullying or "in person" bullying and then hear that the person committed suicide, how do you deal with that? Or how about the man who was drunk and got behind the wheel of his car and killed someone? Then there is the man who went to a mall and killed people? I begin to wonder "where can I be safe outside of my home?"
Then I think of my own life - dreams and plans that I had suddenly gone. Making plans and decision only to find out that nothing is going to happen. And while I was recovering from that, have a family member die.
Relationships in my life are also dying. Busy work schedules, conflicting work schedules, money, family....it all seems to be in the forefront in the lives of my friends and causing relationships to sink. Of course, there is the occasional text and email but what ever happened to face to face meetings?? I miss those. So there is the death to another thing.
So with death all around, where do you go to escape it? I am going to say you go to Jesus but to be honest, my relationship with Christ is also running on embers. Life has taken a very interesting twist and a turn that has me spinning in circles. My footing has become so unsure but here's what I have learned:
1. If something is dead, bury it! there is no use trying to bring back the dead. The stench has already set in, it's just time to let go and move on.
2. If there is a hope, an honest to goodness hope of "not now but later" put it on life support. It's not dead but right now it can't really survive in it's current condition. However, sometimes this may mean a full recovery of your dream, plan, even loved one but you must also be willing to accept that there may be no recovery and you will have to let it go.
3. If it's mostly alive but injured, take care of it. You want something to get better, whether that be a severed relationship, an idea or vision you would like to do for yourself, nurture it, help it to grow and starve off death.
Your ashes to ashes moment may come when you least expect it but it always comes especially when you are serving Christ. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Things die but something beautiful is birthed in it's place.
Almost every day I turn on the news there is a story about death. Sometimes senseless deaths, sometimes unexpected but all tragic. When you hear about teenagers cyberbullying or "in person" bullying and then hear that the person committed suicide, how do you deal with that? Or how about the man who was drunk and got behind the wheel of his car and killed someone? Then there is the man who went to a mall and killed people? I begin to wonder "where can I be safe outside of my home?"
Then I think of my own life - dreams and plans that I had suddenly gone. Making plans and decision only to find out that nothing is going to happen. And while I was recovering from that, have a family member die.
Relationships in my life are also dying. Busy work schedules, conflicting work schedules, money, family....it all seems to be in the forefront in the lives of my friends and causing relationships to sink. Of course, there is the occasional text and email but what ever happened to face to face meetings?? I miss those. So there is the death to another thing.
So with death all around, where do you go to escape it? I am going to say you go to Jesus but to be honest, my relationship with Christ is also running on embers. Life has taken a very interesting twist and a turn that has me spinning in circles. My footing has become so unsure but here's what I have learned:
1. If something is dead, bury it! there is no use trying to bring back the dead. The stench has already set in, it's just time to let go and move on.
2. If there is a hope, an honest to goodness hope of "not now but later" put it on life support. It's not dead but right now it can't really survive in it's current condition. However, sometimes this may mean a full recovery of your dream, plan, even loved one but you must also be willing to accept that there may be no recovery and you will have to let it go.
3. If it's mostly alive but injured, take care of it. You want something to get better, whether that be a severed relationship, an idea or vision you would like to do for yourself, nurture it, help it to grow and starve off death.
Your ashes to ashes moment may come when you least expect it but it always comes especially when you are serving Christ. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Things die but something beautiful is birthed in it's place.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Step out on faith
I am not sure that we realize what faith is. It's easy to have faith that God will do something for "that person". It's even easy to have faith that God can do anything. What happens to our faith when we are in a situation of our?
The Bible describes Abraham as a man of faith. He left all he knew, the security of his father's house, the security of the city and traveled to places unknown. Places of danger and truthfully, places that he had no idea how he was going to get through. The Bible is filled with people of similar circumstances. People who did things opposite to the comfort and to what they knew.
Society would have us have all these plans and back up plans and agendas for doing things. Everything we do must make sense, it must fall in line with what is "normal". So, you plan for retirement, you make a financial future for yourself and kids, possibly grand children. You work 16 hour days just to make that happen and if you can, you fit God in there somewhere some Sunday into your schedule.
But God is different. He doesn't do "normal". Things that He asks of us requires us to step out of the planning and agendas, to leave the comfort zones and easy way out. He asks us to do things where there is no Plan B...just Plan A. He asks us to do unconventional things. Things that are outside of our reach, things that are only accomplished with Him. Things that simply do not make sense.
It sounds weird but I have likened that to faith. If I could do it myself and it made sense, how is that faith?? It made no sense for Abraham to leave the shelter of his home, no sense for Ruth to follow Naomi, no sense for Peter to step out onto water and it made no sense for Jesus to die on a cross for people who would ridicule him. But most times, the desire to be with Jesus, to be near Jesus compels us and we end up doing things that the world says "makes no sense" but maybe, just maybe that's what God calls "stepping out on faith"
The Bible describes Abraham as a man of faith. He left all he knew, the security of his father's house, the security of the city and traveled to places unknown. Places of danger and truthfully, places that he had no idea how he was going to get through. The Bible is filled with people of similar circumstances. People who did things opposite to the comfort and to what they knew.
Society would have us have all these plans and back up plans and agendas for doing things. Everything we do must make sense, it must fall in line with what is "normal". So, you plan for retirement, you make a financial future for yourself and kids, possibly grand children. You work 16 hour days just to make that happen and if you can, you fit God in there somewhere some Sunday into your schedule.
But God is different. He doesn't do "normal". Things that He asks of us requires us to step out of the planning and agendas, to leave the comfort zones and easy way out. He asks us to do things where there is no Plan B...just Plan A. He asks us to do unconventional things. Things that are outside of our reach, things that are only accomplished with Him. Things that simply do not make sense.
It sounds weird but I have likened that to faith. If I could do it myself and it made sense, how is that faith?? It made no sense for Abraham to leave the shelter of his home, no sense for Ruth to follow Naomi, no sense for Peter to step out onto water and it made no sense for Jesus to die on a cross for people who would ridicule him. But most times, the desire to be with Jesus, to be near Jesus compels us and we end up doing things that the world says "makes no sense" but maybe, just maybe that's what God calls "stepping out on faith"
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
The Big Reveal
I have taken time to re-read my blog posts from over the years and I have noticed a distinct trend running through them. I may not have labeled it or I may have danced around the issue but I realized for a few years, in some shape or form, that I have been battling fear.
I know I wrote a post specificially on the issue but it wasn't until I read the posts again did I "hear" it in everything that was written. It's weird because it wasn't until that moment that I realized it was a constant. I stated how much I trust God, how much I loved God but yet I was stuck in this place of fear.
Peter denied Christ. Three times to be exact. And he did so out of fear. Funny thing is, prior to this, he walked on water to meet Jesus. He stepped out on water on faith. He didn't rationalize how it was possible, he didn't fear, he saw Jesus and walked over to him. It has been said that once he took his eyes off of Jesus he began to sink. Later, out of fear, he denied ever knowing or being with Jesus.
Fear keeps us from doing exactly what God wants to do. Fear not only hinders the blessing of someone else but it also hinders our own blessing. As I speak to someone or do something God asks, maybe I will be able to step out on faith and have my walk on water experience. I think fear is selfish. I know! How can I possibly say that after I have been saying that I have been quite fearful. Well, our fear keeps us from blessing someone else.
What if, just maybe, the girl that asked Peter about Jesus and if he was with him, wanted to hear stories? What if she was asking because she'd seen the crowds or heard stories from her parents who heard it from the neighbors who heard it from a friend? What if she was asking because she had finally met someone who was there, who had first hand knowledge and all she wanted was to hear about this Jesus that had that town in an uproar.
Fear does that to us. In one form or the other. We miss out on experiences because it's new or different and we don't dare do that. We don't go to places or speak to people about Christ because we may not be able to answer the questions. I don't ever think that God intended for us to be sooo super knowledgeable that we had an answer for everything. I'm learning it's okay to say "I don't know". But what if, just maybe, the question that you didn't know the answer to sparks something in you to go and look it up and in doing so, you find out more about who God is? And maybe, grow deeper in your pursuit of Christ.
Fear is a tricky thing but it's the one thing that the devil will use time and time again. Fear keeps our eyes on our limitations. We are afraid because WE can't do it. We can't understand it, it doesn't make sense. So we...we fear. If we are living in a state of fear, even in one area of our lives, that means we become like Peter, we take our eyes off of Christ.
Just imagine if we chose to focus on Jesus Christ. Not our problem, not the situation, not even how we are going to making through, just focus on Jesus, keep our eyes on Him. If we we could do that, we could walk on water.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Vacation
I have been counting down to my vacation because it would be a turning point for me. Well, I am here!! I left the country and just getting out of the hustle and bustle of the city has been .... refreshing. The stress seemed to dissipate as I stepped off the plane. My worries seemed to be so insignificant. It just felt good.
I have wanted to move back home for a few years. It was always the plan but recently it became more of a forerunner. Then I started spending time with my family again and all of a sudden, it wasn't just a passing thought or something I would look into ever so often. Now, it was more like "how quickly can I move?" I didn't realize how much I missed my family until I have been around them for a few weeks over the past few years. More recently past few months. It feels good. It feels like.....home
So, I guess I figured out what my new adventure is going to be. I remember my birthday and felt like a new chapter was going to begin in my life. Maybe this is it. Maybe, just maybe, I am preparing to go back home.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Fear.....
It sure is quite crippling , paralyzing even. It is most definitely the opposite of faith. Faith tells me to take a step, fear worries where that step will be and why. Faith tells me to trust, feat can see only the bad behind that blind trust. Faith brings me peace, fear confuses and worries.
I am in that season of fear. The one that has me questioning every decision, second guessing myself, worrying to no avail and stressing me out to no end.i keep telling myself "trust God" but my actions don't. When did that happen? I think it was sometime around my birthday, sometime around realizing a new decade was before me and I still was not where I wanted to be.
I woke up that morning and realized I was older. It wasn't the "I'm 18!!!!" Older not the "whoo hoo 21" older. Not even the "oh no! I'm 30" older. There was an excitement laced with dread. Suddenly things that I barely gave a thought to was right before me. The fact that I'm older and not married, no children was at the forefront. Then I thought of what I was doing with my life....stuff..just being busy. It was a sad revelation.
I keep trying to claw my way to the top, to stop feeling so overwhelmed by my life, stop drowning in this sea of fear. So far fear is winning
Monday, March 25, 2013
A New Season
I am entering a new season in my life. I just had a birthday and it seems as if that awakened me to new possibilities. I starting being more aware of things; things I haven't done but wanted to and things I have yet to do. It definitely put things into perspective for me.
Simple things I still have yet to do - skydiving is one such thing. Does it matter that I am afraid of heights?
I guess I would have to start somewhere so I started with my weight. I am currently 10 pounds lighter :) Now if I could only kick up my exercise routine from once in a while to consistent. Who knows, maybe by summer I would have arrived at my goal weight :)
I have certainly had time to evaluate the dos and don'ts over the last several years. Do fall in love. Don't let it be with a selfish, insensitive man (not that I was in love with him)
Do live life to the fullest. Don't do it alone. I suppose that would mean that I need to be dependent upon Jesus. He's been the lifter of my head for so long I couldn't imagine any other way.
Do forgive. Don't regret forgiving especially when there's a chance the person will do the same thing again.
Lastly, enjoy this new season. The ups and downs. The hurts and the happiness. The good and the bad. I think as I laid in my bed the morning of my birthday and thought about my life thus far and I had no choice but to smile. As much as I still have my list of things to do...a sort of bucket list.....I have managed to do a lot in my.....years :).
So, I gladly, happily and excitedly look forward to and embrace this new season in my life. The best is yet to come!!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Transition
Wow....it has been such a long time writing! I had very good intentions to be here and to posts different things but I got distracted.Hmm....let's see
I have officially graduated and I'm working. It feels great. Surprisingly, I love what I do - I'm a school nurse :). Of course like anything else it had its ups and downs. That's about as much update as I have.
I am in this period of transition. My birthday is coming up and I am going to be one year older.i thought about all the things I had hoped to accomplish by now and have fallen short. I am not married, which means I do not have any kids. I do not have my masters and I am still paying my student loans off. Sigh. It was a very hard pill to swallow...some times it still is.
However, like I said, I am in a transitional period. I feel a "selah" moment coming. I remember a pastor at my church said that in the bible when you saw the word selah, it meant you were about to transition to another level. There have been a lot of bumps, hurts and disappointments along the way but never to the point that I was destroyed. In my eyes, I have been just shy of failure, but I'm beginning to think that in God's eyes, I might very well be transitioning to another level....hopefully a deeper level.
Job - I do like it but I am becoming restless. Do I just change scenery as in a different school or do I change the field completely(Public health)
School - how I would love to be there but work and school? I know it can be done and that's not even my fear. My fear is if I really can afford to pursue a masters degree knowing that could very well mean more loans
Home - I am getting tired of this fast paced life. It seems liked am always rushing to some place. Ironically, it's very, very rarely because I am late. It's because I have a particular train to catch and even thou I am on time, the distance where I have to go is far. I go from one meeting to another with very little time between. I am just tired. So I most definitely would like to move.
I can't pretend that I always that I understand where God is leading me and I don't pretend I have a clue as to what he is doing but the is this assurance that as long as I keep my eyes focused on Him, I most certainly cannot go wrong.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Cave or Stronghold
I was preparing to teach about David: A man after God's own heart and I learned some interesting things.
David was hiding away in a cave after being anointed to be king, after killing Goliath.
I had just gone on my first interview since graduating but now I was still without a job and without any other prospects of getting a job
David was moping and mourning and wondering why God had allowed this to happen and why Saul was chasing him.
I was the same way...minus Saul of course.
Suddenly a group of men came into the cave to hide away from their own problems. David was in his confusing mess and here are these men who come to him for guidance
I realized that even in my own self-pity and problems, that I still have a responsibility to the people around me to minister the Gospel of Christ.
Chuck Swindoll wrote in the book that at this point is where he thinks that David wrote two psalms: 34 and 57. As I read these psalms and I read what Swindoll wrote about David, I thought about my own life.
How did I get here? Why am I here? I don't deserve to be here! Everything within me said that "as an anointed king, I deserved better". I'm sure David thought the same thing. Either way, we were both in this cave. So here are these people looking to David for help and guidance and David eventually looks to God. So while their eyes were on David, David's eyes were on God... no one could go wrong!
Long story short, these disillusioned, broken, hurting people became David's mighty men. It wasn't when everything got better, it wasn't when David became king, it was in the midst of that cave.
In 1 Samuel 22, it says that David went out of the cave to talk to Saul and then David went back to a stronghold. This cave that David found fear and confusion; the cave where it looked like every hurting and broken person gathered was the same place that provided a sense of security... it was a fortified place.
Out of this cave emerged David and 600 mighty men! This encouraged me so much because while I realized that I still have a responsibility to point to God, in my place of hurt and confusion and even anger, God uses it to make it a stronghold. When I emerge, I'm not coming out alone, I'm coming out with all the disillusioned, broken, hurting, desperate, lonely and every other type of person that sought answers and they will be mighty men and women of God!!
So really it was never about David, just like it's not about me. It was then, is now and forever will be about God. It's about God taking a willing person, even when they're hurting, to use them to point to the cross. David knew full well of God's grace and provision (as do I). I think those people gathered to him because they heard of what his God had done for him. They were probably shocked when they found someone "just like them" but I can think of God saying "Don't worry. This is to show them that there is still in God in all of Israel". So yes, David had a breakdown, as did I, but it was what happened after that made the difference.
David didn't stay there and I didn't either. We both were determined to get up and fight. We both knew that the God who taught us to kill the lion and the bear, the God who killed Goliath was surely equipped to handle anything else that came our way - including not being yet in the job that was promised to us.
I would be remissed if I didn't say that David eventually became king..... and that I eventually got a job. Neither came without a struggle but looking back, that cave prepared us for being the best person to handle the tasks that the job required.... and even if we couldn't, we more than proved that God could :)
David was hiding away in a cave after being anointed to be king, after killing Goliath.
I had just gone on my first interview since graduating but now I was still without a job and without any other prospects of getting a job
David was moping and mourning and wondering why God had allowed this to happen and why Saul was chasing him.
I was the same way...minus Saul of course.
Suddenly a group of men came into the cave to hide away from their own problems. David was in his confusing mess and here are these men who come to him for guidance
I realized that even in my own self-pity and problems, that I still have a responsibility to the people around me to minister the Gospel of Christ.
Chuck Swindoll wrote in the book that at this point is where he thinks that David wrote two psalms: 34 and 57. As I read these psalms and I read what Swindoll wrote about David, I thought about my own life.
How did I get here? Why am I here? I don't deserve to be here! Everything within me said that "as an anointed king, I deserved better". I'm sure David thought the same thing. Either way, we were both in this cave. So here are these people looking to David for help and guidance and David eventually looks to God. So while their eyes were on David, David's eyes were on God... no one could go wrong!
Long story short, these disillusioned, broken, hurting people became David's mighty men. It wasn't when everything got better, it wasn't when David became king, it was in the midst of that cave.
In 1 Samuel 22, it says that David went out of the cave to talk to Saul and then David went back to a stronghold. This cave that David found fear and confusion; the cave where it looked like every hurting and broken person gathered was the same place that provided a sense of security... it was a fortified place.
Out of this cave emerged David and 600 mighty men! This encouraged me so much because while I realized that I still have a responsibility to point to God, in my place of hurt and confusion and even anger, God uses it to make it a stronghold. When I emerge, I'm not coming out alone, I'm coming out with all the disillusioned, broken, hurting, desperate, lonely and every other type of person that sought answers and they will be mighty men and women of God!!
So really it was never about David, just like it's not about me. It was then, is now and forever will be about God. It's about God taking a willing person, even when they're hurting, to use them to point to the cross. David knew full well of God's grace and provision (as do I). I think those people gathered to him because they heard of what his God had done for him. They were probably shocked when they found someone "just like them" but I can think of God saying "Don't worry. This is to show them that there is still in God in all of Israel". So yes, David had a breakdown, as did I, but it was what happened after that made the difference.
David didn't stay there and I didn't either. We both were determined to get up and fight. We both knew that the God who taught us to kill the lion and the bear, the God who killed Goliath was surely equipped to handle anything else that came our way - including not being yet in the job that was promised to us.
I would be remissed if I didn't say that David eventually became king..... and that I eventually got a job. Neither came without a struggle but looking back, that cave prepared us for being the best person to handle the tasks that the job required.... and even if we couldn't, we more than proved that God could :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
shoes of peace
So in jrhigh we're doing a series on the armor of God and I was asked to teach on the sandals of peace. I had just come back from vacation and was a little "out of it". I hadn't seen the kids in three weeks and I had no idea what was going on in jrhigh. Now I have to teach. All week I prepared and I was ready. I had been going through some things and I was praying that God's spirit would be merciful to the kids because this broken vessel He was about to use, was.... hurting.
The morning was a little hectic and right before class started I remembered the words to a song that I thought would be appropriate. I went to look up the song and instead found Isaiah 52v7. So I opened the lesson with that and that was the first and last time I looked at the notes that I so beautifully prepared. God had other plans and He was merciful. Not only to the jrhighers but to me.
As I prayed, the only "plan" I had was to tell them to take the shoes off their feet and surrender it to the altar. I didn't doubt. I knew God would do it. Those kids are so very hungry for God. I was more afraid that they'd walk out and it wouldn't stick. So, here I was, telling 50-60 jrhighers to surrender their shoes to the altar of God and how they represent doing things their way and walking where they want to walk. Then the first person responded, then another and another and I started to cry. I realised that the God that I serve is so powerful. I had 2 pages worth of notes.... none of which I used.
I found myself giving an altar call that said, "It's great you surrendered your shoes but now God needs willing bodies to fill them. The shoes can't walk to your family and preach the Gospel on their own, they can't share the love of Jesus with your friends. God's asking now that you surrender your will and your way and trust Him". Where'd that come from??? I was blown away at how when I'm broken, I'm open and I'm saying "yes Lord" how faithful He is.
At the end, the kids responded and yes, while that was great and I watched God move two things stuck with me:
1. The leader of jrhigh said: whatever it was that took you to that place, stay there. Praise God that was an amazing message and the spirit of God was moving.
2. One of the kids said to me: thank you for sharing about your mom... and for crying. it showed that you're open and vulnerable and that encouraged me so much.
I don't know why God would choose to use me but one of the leaders in high school heard about the lesson and said to me "if you ever doubted that you were supposed to be in jrhigh, there's your proof that you're right where you need to be"
I'm never going to forget this lesson. I've taught a lot in jrhigh and there's a lot of memorable lessons. I have all the notes but this is one that when I was at my lowest, at my weakest, probably even at my worse that God choose to do something sooooo amazing!
The morning was a little hectic and right before class started I remembered the words to a song that I thought would be appropriate. I went to look up the song and instead found Isaiah 52v7. So I opened the lesson with that and that was the first and last time I looked at the notes that I so beautifully prepared. God had other plans and He was merciful. Not only to the jrhighers but to me.
As I prayed, the only "plan" I had was to tell them to take the shoes off their feet and surrender it to the altar. I didn't doubt. I knew God would do it. Those kids are so very hungry for God. I was more afraid that they'd walk out and it wouldn't stick. So, here I was, telling 50-60 jrhighers to surrender their shoes to the altar of God and how they represent doing things their way and walking where they want to walk. Then the first person responded, then another and another and I started to cry. I realised that the God that I serve is so powerful. I had 2 pages worth of notes.... none of which I used.
I found myself giving an altar call that said, "It's great you surrendered your shoes but now God needs willing bodies to fill them. The shoes can't walk to your family and preach the Gospel on their own, they can't share the love of Jesus with your friends. God's asking now that you surrender your will and your way and trust Him". Where'd that come from??? I was blown away at how when I'm broken, I'm open and I'm saying "yes Lord" how faithful He is.
At the end, the kids responded and yes, while that was great and I watched God move two things stuck with me:
1. The leader of jrhigh said: whatever it was that took you to that place, stay there. Praise God that was an amazing message and the spirit of God was moving.
2. One of the kids said to me: thank you for sharing about your mom... and for crying. it showed that you're open and vulnerable and that encouraged me so much.
I don't know why God would choose to use me but one of the leaders in high school heard about the lesson and said to me "if you ever doubted that you were supposed to be in jrhigh, there's your proof that you're right where you need to be"
I'm never going to forget this lesson. I've taught a lot in jrhigh and there's a lot of memorable lessons. I have all the notes but this is one that when I was at my lowest, at my weakest, probably even at my worse that God choose to do something sooooo amazing!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Keep Moving Forward
So for some reason I've been finding myself in leadership positions lately. It's almost like people seek me out...almost. I find that some one would ask me to do something and somehow I'll end up leading the group. I don't seek it out, in fact, I try very, very hard to stand in the background. I don't like being the center of attentions. It makes me uncomfortable. However, that seemed to recently work against me.
It's wierd how two people can look at the same situation and see completely different things. I had someone tell me, for the first time ever in my entire life, that I don't know how to be under authority and I like to be always in control.
I will admit, when I do know what I'm doing with certain things, not that I voice that I'm the authority on it, I do give my input more often than not. At the same time I do allow others to share their thoughts/opinions. I know I don't know everything but when I heard this it made me think. I questioned the things that I do and why I do them. In actuality, I should be...forced (maybe not the best word) to speak up because I choose to be in the background mostly because I'm not confident. That's a different story in itself but, when did it become so bad to step up as a leader when no one else wants to?
It has been the most difficult week of my life. It's Friday and I'm still doubtful. I've had a very difficult time praying and entering in to the presence of God because all I kept hearing was this negative stuff. I laid it aside and trusted God. It's a little hard because this is the first time anyone has ever told me that I have issues with authority. I've been working with people (authority) since I was 15; working under leadership. What makes it so difficult is 1) the person who said it to me has had issues with me forever 2) if it's true, why has no one ever told me?? 3) if it isn't true, why would this person say that?
I'm trying hard not to run and hide, which is the easiest thing for me to do. I don't really want to stay "here" but it's so hard for me to keep moving forward. So...I will lift up my eyes and be still...
It's wierd how two people can look at the same situation and see completely different things. I had someone tell me, for the first time ever in my entire life, that I don't know how to be under authority and I like to be always in control.
I will admit, when I do know what I'm doing with certain things, not that I voice that I'm the authority on it, I do give my input more often than not. At the same time I do allow others to share their thoughts/opinions. I know I don't know everything but when I heard this it made me think. I questioned the things that I do and why I do them. In actuality, I should be...forced (maybe not the best word) to speak up because I choose to be in the background mostly because I'm not confident. That's a different story in itself but, when did it become so bad to step up as a leader when no one else wants to?
It has been the most difficult week of my life. It's Friday and I'm still doubtful. I've had a very difficult time praying and entering in to the presence of God because all I kept hearing was this negative stuff. I laid it aside and trusted God. It's a little hard because this is the first time anyone has ever told me that I have issues with authority. I've been working with people (authority) since I was 15; working under leadership. What makes it so difficult is 1) the person who said it to me has had issues with me forever 2) if it's true, why has no one ever told me?? 3) if it isn't true, why would this person say that?
I'm trying hard not to run and hide, which is the easiest thing for me to do. I don't really want to stay "here" but it's so hard for me to keep moving forward. So...I will lift up my eyes and be still...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Knowing
So I went to see the movie "Knowing" with Nicholas Cage. I was a little apprehensive to see it because I wasn't sure if the movie was "appropriate". However, I did see it because I needed to release some anxiety. I was pleasantly surprised and I liked it very much. I should say, if you want to see the movie, you probably shouldn't read on. So here goes...
The movie opens with this little girl and this whispering noise and at some point she writes these whole bunch of numbers on a paper to put into a time capsule. Fast forward 50 years, the capsule is opened and Cage's son is the one to receive the letter of numbers by this girl. He starts to hear this whispering noise. Long story short, Cage some how becomes intrigued by the numbers and finds out that they were predictions of disasters that have happened over the past 50 years. The movie sort of surrounds the last two predictions.
What I found interesting in this movie is that these "whispering people" seem not threatening, only talks to the children and at one point, in the midst of darkness, light won out. As the movie is coming to a close, I couldn't help but think about Christ. Here are these "predictions" found in the Bible and Jesus telling everyone to get ready. Long and short, the story finishes and the whispering people (angels) come to take the children. Cage's character wants to go with his son and this little girl but it's not allowed. He's confused and the little boy says "only those who have heard the call can go" Instantly I thought of Christ calling His people and then the scripture that says "not everyone that cries Lord Lord will enter heaven". So the children leave to "start over" and Cage goes back to see his dad, a preacher. I thought of the prodigal son returning home. The whole earth is destroyed and then the children are returned to "a new heaven and a new earth".
I know the producers/writers/directors did not have any intention of writing about the rapture and the end of the world and Christ. I'm not a big movie fan. I mean I love movie lines, but I don't go to the movies very often. I think in the last 3 years I've gone to the movies maybe 5 times, if that much. However, everytime I do see a movie, well lately, I see references to Christ. How is it that subconciously our spirits, minds are desiring a Saviour but in the waking moments we choose to go the opposite direction.
With all these movies, good and bad, there is a reference to heaven and hell, how people not want to choose? how can people deny the existence of a supreme God? I suppose that one day, they'll realize but why wait until it's too late? I just thought that movie was...it was a very good movie to see and I just wanted to share that with you :)
The movie opens with this little girl and this whispering noise and at some point she writes these whole bunch of numbers on a paper to put into a time capsule. Fast forward 50 years, the capsule is opened and Cage's son is the one to receive the letter of numbers by this girl. He starts to hear this whispering noise. Long story short, Cage some how becomes intrigued by the numbers and finds out that they were predictions of disasters that have happened over the past 50 years. The movie sort of surrounds the last two predictions.
What I found interesting in this movie is that these "whispering people" seem not threatening, only talks to the children and at one point, in the midst of darkness, light won out. As the movie is coming to a close, I couldn't help but think about Christ. Here are these "predictions" found in the Bible and Jesus telling everyone to get ready. Long and short, the story finishes and the whispering people (angels) come to take the children. Cage's character wants to go with his son and this little girl but it's not allowed. He's confused and the little boy says "only those who have heard the call can go" Instantly I thought of Christ calling His people and then the scripture that says "not everyone that cries Lord Lord will enter heaven". So the children leave to "start over" and Cage goes back to see his dad, a preacher. I thought of the prodigal son returning home. The whole earth is destroyed and then the children are returned to "a new heaven and a new earth".
I know the producers/writers/directors did not have any intention of writing about the rapture and the end of the world and Christ. I'm not a big movie fan. I mean I love movie lines, but I don't go to the movies very often. I think in the last 3 years I've gone to the movies maybe 5 times, if that much. However, everytime I do see a movie, well lately, I see references to Christ. How is it that subconciously our spirits, minds are desiring a Saviour but in the waking moments we choose to go the opposite direction.
With all these movies, good and bad, there is a reference to heaven and hell, how people not want to choose? how can people deny the existence of a supreme God? I suppose that one day, they'll realize but why wait until it's too late? I just thought that movie was...it was a very good movie to see and I just wanted to share that with you :)
Sunday, February 1, 2009
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Okay, so I'm not Greek, I don't think I'm fat (well at the writing of this I don't think so) and I didn't have a wedding but I was watching the movie as I spent some endless time chatting on facebook and Tula's brother say "Don't let your past dictate who you are but let it be a part of who you will become". I've watched this movie countless times and this finally stuck out to me.
If the things that I've seen, done or heard dictated who I am today, first off, I probably wouldn't even be alive but I would also never have found grace. I now can appreciate it for what it was. At the time, it was hell and I all I wanted to do was to find something "better" but now, I see it as a blessing. It has become a part of me and I'm "proud" of my past. It has caused me to fall on my knees and cry out for a Savior who, despite my past, has called me His own :)
If the things that I've seen, done or heard dictated who I am today, first off, I probably wouldn't even be alive but I would also never have found grace. I now can appreciate it for what it was. At the time, it was hell and I all I wanted to do was to find something "better" but now, I see it as a blessing. It has become a part of me and I'm "proud" of my past. It has caused me to fall on my knees and cry out for a Savior who, despite my past, has called me His own :)
Monday, January 26, 2009
People you meet
I've learned a very important lesson over my very short lived lifetime - be kind to the people you meet because you never know when you'll meet them again. I've met some very interesting people over my lifetime that have left impressions on my life.
It is sad to say that some of them have a bad impression because of their behavior, attitude or pure selfishness but it goes without saying that I learned from those poeple as well.
I met this guy yesterday...well I didn't actually meet him but I saw him in passing on Friday, then again on Sunday afternoon and later that day on the train. It's amazing how you never notice certain things or people until you see them constantly even if you don't know them. I didn't say anything to him, it would've been wierd but it sure made me think.
When people see us from a distance, who do they see? Is it someone that they are willing to meet or would rather stay away from? Everyone says first impressions make a big difference and it's true but it's not about what you say when you actually meet the person but rather what you did before you met them.
So the people you actually end up meeting with a handshake are the people you first met with a smile :)
It is sad to say that some of them have a bad impression because of their behavior, attitude or pure selfishness but it goes without saying that I learned from those poeple as well.
I met this guy yesterday...well I didn't actually meet him but I saw him in passing on Friday, then again on Sunday afternoon and later that day on the train. It's amazing how you never notice certain things or people until you see them constantly even if you don't know them. I didn't say anything to him, it would've been wierd but it sure made me think.
When people see us from a distance, who do they see? Is it someone that they are willing to meet or would rather stay away from? Everyone says first impressions make a big difference and it's true but it's not about what you say when you actually meet the person but rather what you did before you met them.
So the people you actually end up meeting with a handshake are the people you first met with a smile :)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Mountain top climb
So the new year has begun with a bang. A good bang. I graduated officially and I'm realizing that there's nothing that's going to stop me from running toward the promises of God; the things that I'm supposed to be doing for Him. It's amazing that there are times when things seem so impossible, so unlikely and there is no way that you can grasp it. Now, here I am and those same things haven't changed but my view has.
Looking from a distance up at that mountain and realizing how big it is and how far I'm going to have to climb is...well discouraging. Then just by simply beginning to climb the mountain and then glancing down, I realize how far I've climbed. Maybe it's not so impossible (or discouraging) after all. Have I slipped? Sure. Have I been afraid to be "this high up"? Of course but I've loved every minute of it. The air is cleaner up here, I'm getting exercise and the view is so amazingly, breathtakingly beautiful!
So I liken my life to a mountain climb but I'm always striving to go up. It's not necessarily a "bettering of myself" but moving towards what God has called me to do and who He's called me to be. It's not the easiest climb but I'm almost positive that when I reach the top of this mountain that it would've been all worth it. To stand and look out at the view; to know I never gave up. It's going to be an exciting year. For now, I'm just busy climbing this one mountain until I reach the top and cross over a connecting bridge to descend back down. That will be the hardest part because in the valley, it's dark and you never really see what awaits you but rocks and rough edges but well, sometimes you find a few lilies...
That's probably when you start your mountain top climb again.
Looking from a distance up at that mountain and realizing how big it is and how far I'm going to have to climb is...well discouraging. Then just by simply beginning to climb the mountain and then glancing down, I realize how far I've climbed. Maybe it's not so impossible (or discouraging) after all. Have I slipped? Sure. Have I been afraid to be "this high up"? Of course but I've loved every minute of it. The air is cleaner up here, I'm getting exercise and the view is so amazingly, breathtakingly beautiful!
So I liken my life to a mountain climb but I'm always striving to go up. It's not necessarily a "bettering of myself" but moving towards what God has called me to do and who He's called me to be. It's not the easiest climb but I'm almost positive that when I reach the top of this mountain that it would've been all worth it. To stand and look out at the view; to know I never gave up. It's going to be an exciting year. For now, I'm just busy climbing this one mountain until I reach the top and cross over a connecting bridge to descend back down. That will be the hardest part because in the valley, it's dark and you never really see what awaits you but rocks and rough edges but well, sometimes you find a few lilies...
That's probably when you start your mountain top climb again.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Year End
So this year has been so rough for me. I feel as if I've seen more valleys than I've seen mountain tops YET, I am so very grateful for every valley I've seen. At the beginning of the semester last year God gave me one promise concerning school - you will never be put to shame. I've held on to that promise like you wouldn't believe. I'd already failed a class and it was such a struggle to go back. I felt as if I were to go back I would have to hang my head in shame. Last year over the summer, God told me to lift up my head.
Here I was at the beginning of 2008 and that was the only thing God spoke to me. I made it my foundation to stand on, well as far as school went. So I made it through the semester and then September came. I was fine until I went away on a retreat. It was so amazing. God could not have orchestrated it any better. I came back with such a passion and a fire for God. It was amazing. Almost two weeks later, this unbelieveable fear gripped me. It was unlike anything I've ever known in my walk with God. It was so paralyzing. All I could hear was "you're not going to graduate. You're going to fail again. What will everyone say? You're a failure" It was so overwhelming that I actually began to put myself in danger of failing. This fear was affecting my school work, my clinical performance, exams...me. God never said that I was going to fail but yet here I was failing because of what I did, not what God did.
My worship began to suffer. I sat in service for about two fridays and two Sundays and couldn't enter in to the presence of God. I was becoming more and more fearful and more and more in bondage because of this fear. My quiet time with God was just that - quiet. I couldn't even pray. Then one day I'm sitting in my room, TV on mute, computer on and just sitting. I began to feel as if I was suffocating. This fear was beginning to suck the life out of me. For some reason, and I can't explain why, I lifted my hands and just cried. It was almost as if every tear carried with it the fear that so gripped my heart and with each tear came a freedom like I've never known.
So at the end of the night, all I could do was rejoice and claim the word that God had given to me; to declare it! At the end of 2008 I am beginning to see promises that God made to me when I was 14 years old come to fullness. Things that God said I would be doing are beginning to happen and I'm excited to enter 2009. It is truly going to be the year of the miraculous. I guess I would be remissed if I didn't mention that I am graduating in about three weeks with grades that only could've been by the grace and mercy of God! See you in 2009
Here I was at the beginning of 2008 and that was the only thing God spoke to me. I made it my foundation to stand on, well as far as school went. So I made it through the semester and then September came. I was fine until I went away on a retreat. It was so amazing. God could not have orchestrated it any better. I came back with such a passion and a fire for God. It was amazing. Almost two weeks later, this unbelieveable fear gripped me. It was unlike anything I've ever known in my walk with God. It was so paralyzing. All I could hear was "you're not going to graduate. You're going to fail again. What will everyone say? You're a failure" It was so overwhelming that I actually began to put myself in danger of failing. This fear was affecting my school work, my clinical performance, exams...me. God never said that I was going to fail but yet here I was failing because of what I did, not what God did.
My worship began to suffer. I sat in service for about two fridays and two Sundays and couldn't enter in to the presence of God. I was becoming more and more fearful and more and more in bondage because of this fear. My quiet time with God was just that - quiet. I couldn't even pray. Then one day I'm sitting in my room, TV on mute, computer on and just sitting. I began to feel as if I was suffocating. This fear was beginning to suck the life out of me. For some reason, and I can't explain why, I lifted my hands and just cried. It was almost as if every tear carried with it the fear that so gripped my heart and with each tear came a freedom like I've never known.
So at the end of the night, all I could do was rejoice and claim the word that God had given to me; to declare it! At the end of 2008 I am beginning to see promises that God made to me when I was 14 years old come to fullness. Things that God said I would be doing are beginning to happen and I'm excited to enter 2009. It is truly going to be the year of the miraculous. I guess I would be remissed if I didn't mention that I am graduating in about three weeks with grades that only could've been by the grace and mercy of God! See you in 2009
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Finals are here!
So, I named the blog "Battle Cries" because when I wrote my first entry, may be even long before then, there was this cry that rose up in me. It was a cry for God to change me, change the people that I talk to and change the world. It was cry of war. The kind that you yell as you run toward the enemy; the kind that felt like you were screaming at the top of your lungs but it sounded like a sweet song of worship.
Well, I'm at the end of my semester with only 3 more days to go next week and I feel like I've been marching around the wall Jericho and it has yet to fall. It's like the midnight hour is almost here and my battle cry is starting to sound like a whimper. My youth pastor always says "if you're 'fishing' here and the 'fish' aren't biting, they're plenty of 'fish in the sea so cast your net on the other side'". That's how I feel at the end of two years!! I've been fishing and nothing has happened. Yet, I feel like I should still keep casting my net on "this" side. I'm graduating and I still have yet to see fruit.
I don't want to give up. I know that they know where I stand, that I love my Lord. I have not been ashamed and everything I've said matched what I've done and vice versa. Yet, I think I want more! I want to walk into class one day and have them ask to know the Jesus that I love. However,classes are over but I'll keep praying. I'll keep going with my battle cries....for my friends, my family, this generation...
Well, I'm at the end of my semester with only 3 more days to go next week and I feel like I've been marching around the wall Jericho and it has yet to fall. It's like the midnight hour is almost here and my battle cry is starting to sound like a whimper. My youth pastor always says "if you're 'fishing' here and the 'fish' aren't biting, they're plenty of 'fish in the sea so cast your net on the other side'". That's how I feel at the end of two years!! I've been fishing and nothing has happened. Yet, I feel like I should still keep casting my net on "this" side. I'm graduating and I still have yet to see fruit.
I don't want to give up. I know that they know where I stand, that I love my Lord. I have not been ashamed and everything I've said matched what I've done and vice versa. Yet, I think I want more! I want to walk into class one day and have them ask to know the Jesus that I love. However,classes are over but I'll keep praying. I'll keep going with my battle cries....for my friends, my family, this generation...
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Purpose
I was watching a commercial for a movie on Hallmark. I've got to say that I admittingly love the Hallmark channel. The movies are clean and such tearjerkers but anyways, I"m watching the commercial and the lady asks the guy "What is your purpose in life?" and his reply: "to be happy" then she said: "It's to make a difference" Then I thought about it and realized...that's MY purpose; that's what God has called me to, called all of us to.
When He said, "go and make disciples....be fruitful" it was a call for our purpose. It wasn't just about me any more. God was giving me a reason to live. I wasn't just suppose to aimlessly roam the earth, nor was I suppose to just be content with my own salvation and serving Christ. There should be, has to be, must be....fruit. My purpose is to make a difference. When Jesus walked this earth, that's all He did, make a difference. By speaking to one person at a well, He changed her life. By telling one man that He saw him while he was sitting under a tree, Jesus made his day.
I could only imagine what me saying hello to someone, smiling at someone, listening to someone, changes their whole life. That they'd remember that girl that did something not extraordinary, just out of the ordinary and it would cause them to want to know why. Then I'd be able to say "because Someone did it for me". I know that sounds corny and maybe a little unrealistic but why can't it happen? Someone did do it for me. He died, He lived and after all...He chose me.
So what's my purpose? To make a difference. Not to just be here, not to just be content that I'm going to heaven but to change the life of someone just like Christ changed mine. I think that by me doing something out of the ordinary (saying hello to a complete stranger) God will do something extraordinary :)
When He said, "go and make disciples....be fruitful" it was a call for our purpose. It wasn't just about me any more. God was giving me a reason to live. I wasn't just suppose to aimlessly roam the earth, nor was I suppose to just be content with my own salvation and serving Christ. There should be, has to be, must be....fruit. My purpose is to make a difference. When Jesus walked this earth, that's all He did, make a difference. By speaking to one person at a well, He changed her life. By telling one man that He saw him while he was sitting under a tree, Jesus made his day.
I could only imagine what me saying hello to someone, smiling at someone, listening to someone, changes their whole life. That they'd remember that girl that did something not extraordinary, just out of the ordinary and it would cause them to want to know why. Then I'd be able to say "because Someone did it for me". I know that sounds corny and maybe a little unrealistic but why can't it happen? Someone did do it for me. He died, He lived and after all...He chose me.
So what's my purpose? To make a difference. Not to just be here, not to just be content that I'm going to heaven but to change the life of someone just like Christ changed mine. I think that by me doing something out of the ordinary (saying hello to a complete stranger) God will do something extraordinary :)
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Fear
So about a month ago I came back with an awesome, renewed passion for God and then WHAM! I became overwhelmed with fear that I was not going to pass my class; I was not going to graduate. After all the time I spent, including a failed class, this was it. I would have nothing to show for it. It was almost crippling me to the point where I was messing up in my clinical rotation. I just saw myself being taken over by this fear and I couldn’t do anything about it. It was paralyzing. I was trying in school to make sure that I did well but my professor was “yelling” at me and things just seemed to be getting worse. How do I overcome this fear? How do I “fix” it? The thing is, I can’t. I was so paralyzed by it that I didn’t know what to do, when do it or even where to begin. I felt as if I prayed and the fear only got worse, heavier, scarier. I have never been in this position before and it really is debilitating. Yet somewhere in the back of my head I hear God saying “you will never be put to shame”. Shame would be if I failed…again…and I didn’t graduate after telling everyone that I was going to. Shame would be having to look in the faces of my friends and family and say that after three years, I have nothing to show for it. Shame would be hearing any of my professors say that I didn’t pass. I know what He says but it’s barely a whisper and the loudness of all the fear is overwhelming.
Then….then I began to hear my…my heart’s song. It sang for the first time of how afraid I was and then something happened. As I began to pen the words it was like a fresh breeze was washing over me. With each word I wrote, there was a freedom from the fear that was coming. To be honest, I haven’t really looked back at the song. I know I need to edit it and make it “right” but a part of me feels as if it’s fine. I feel as if I wrote it simply to bring freedom to my soul; to lighten my burden. It was good…the sounds good by the way Best song I’ve ever written. I guess because this means something; it is something so much more personal. Although, now that I think about it so was “Prodigal Daughter”. That came out of personal experience. Then there are other songs that I wrote that don’t seem so… right. I think I just wrote them. It makes sense now though. Songs that mean so much, that are big hits, always come out of personal experience
Tonight, December 3, 2008, God spoke again. He told me that I must have confidence in Him; trust Him even though I might not understand, I might not see the end but I know that He’s…well, He’s God. I don’t have to worry, I don’t have to doubt. I know it’ll be alright and sometimes it takes a little while for me to get to that point BUT the journey to get there is not without it’s lessons and I learn every one of them. So…I will graduate on January 31st 2009. I will pass my finals, my class and on January 12, 2009, Professor Tesoro will place a nursing pin on me, give me a hug and I will say “thank you” all the while praising God because He did it! He brought me this far and will take me further.
Then….then I began to hear my…my heart’s song. It sang for the first time of how afraid I was and then something happened. As I began to pen the words it was like a fresh breeze was washing over me. With each word I wrote, there was a freedom from the fear that was coming. To be honest, I haven’t really looked back at the song. I know I need to edit it and make it “right” but a part of me feels as if it’s fine. I feel as if I wrote it simply to bring freedom to my soul; to lighten my burden. It was good…the sounds good by the way Best song I’ve ever written. I guess because this means something; it is something so much more personal. Although, now that I think about it so was “Prodigal Daughter”. That came out of personal experience. Then there are other songs that I wrote that don’t seem so… right. I think I just wrote them. It makes sense now though. Songs that mean so much, that are big hits, always come out of personal experience
Tonight, December 3, 2008, God spoke again. He told me that I must have confidence in Him; trust Him even though I might not understand, I might not see the end but I know that He’s…well, He’s God. I don’t have to worry, I don’t have to doubt. I know it’ll be alright and sometimes it takes a little while for me to get to that point BUT the journey to get there is not without it’s lessons and I learn every one of them. So…I will graduate on January 31st 2009. I will pass my finals, my class and on January 12, 2009, Professor Tesoro will place a nursing pin on me, give me a hug and I will say “thank you” all the while praising God because He did it! He brought me this far and will take me further.
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