Year End

So this year has been so rough for me. I feel as if I've seen more valleys than I've seen mountain tops YET, I am so very grateful for every valley I've seen. At the beginning of the semester last year God gave me one promise concerning school - you will never be put to shame. I've held on to that promise like you wouldn't believe. I'd already failed a class and it was such a struggle to go back. I felt as if I were to go back I would have to hang my head in shame. Last year over the summer, God told me to lift up my head.

Here I was at the beginning of 2008 and that was the only thing God spoke to me. I made it my foundation to stand on, well as far as school went. So I made it through the semester and then September came. I was fine until I went away on a retreat. It was so amazing. God could not have orchestrated it any better. I came back with such a passion and a fire for God. It was amazing. Almost two weeks later, this unbelieveable fear gripped me. It was unlike anything I've ever known in my walk with God. It was so paralyzing. All I could hear was "you're not going to graduate. You're going to fail again. What will everyone say? You're a failure" It was so overwhelming that I actually began to put myself in danger of failing. This fear was affecting my school work, my clinical performance, exams...me. God never said that I was going to fail but yet here I was failing because of what I did, not what God did.

My worship began to suffer. I sat in service for about two fridays and two Sundays and couldn't enter in to the presence of God. I was becoming more and more fearful and more and more in bondage because of this fear. My quiet time with God was just that - quiet. I couldn't even pray. Then one day I'm sitting in my room, TV on mute, computer on and just sitting. I began to feel as if I was suffocating. This fear was beginning to suck the life out of me. For some reason, and I can't explain why, I lifted my hands and just cried. It was almost as if every tear carried with it the fear that so gripped my heart and with each tear came a freedom like I've never known.

So at the end of the night, all I could do was rejoice and claim the word that God had given to me; to declare it! At the end of 2008 I am beginning to see promises that God made to me when I was 14 years old come to fullness. Things that God said I would be doing are beginning to happen and I'm excited to enter 2009. It is truly going to be the year of the miraculous. I guess I would be remissed if I didn't mention that I am graduating in about three weeks with grades that only could've been by the grace and mercy of God! See you in 2009

Finals are here!

So, I named the blog "Battle Cries" because when I wrote my first entry, may be even long before then, there was this cry that rose up in me. It was a cry for God to change me, change the people that I talk to and change the world. It was cry of war. The kind that you yell as you run toward the enemy; the kind that felt like you were screaming at the top of your lungs but it sounded like a sweet song of worship.

Well, I'm at the end of my semester with only 3 more days to go next week and I feel like I've been marching around the wall Jericho and it has yet to fall. It's like the midnight hour is almost here and my battle cry is starting to sound like a whimper. My youth pastor always says "if you're 'fishing' here and the 'fish' aren't biting, they're plenty of 'fish in the sea so cast your net on the other side'". That's how I feel at the end of two years!! I've been fishing and nothing has happened. Yet, I feel like I should still keep casting my net on "this" side. I'm graduating and I still have yet to see fruit.

I don't want to give up. I know that they know where I stand, that I love my Lord. I have not been ashamed and everything I've said matched what I've done and vice versa. Yet, I think I want more! I want to walk into class one day and have them ask to know the Jesus that I love. However,classes are over but I'll keep praying. I'll keep going with my battle cries....for my friends, my family, this generation...

Purpose

I was watching a commercial for a movie on Hallmark. I've got to say that I admittingly love the Hallmark channel. The movies are clean and such tearjerkers but anyways, I"m watching the commercial and the lady asks the guy "What is your purpose in life?" and his reply: "to be happy" then she said: "It's to make a difference" Then I thought about it and realized...that's MY purpose; that's what God has called me to, called all of us to.

When He said, "go and make disciples....be fruitful" it was a call for our purpose. It wasn't just about me any more. God was giving me a reason to live. I wasn't just suppose to aimlessly roam the earth, nor was I suppose to just be content with my own salvation and serving Christ. There should be, has to be, must be....fruit. My purpose is to make a difference. When Jesus walked this earth, that's all He did, make a difference. By speaking to one person at a well, He changed her life. By telling one man that He saw him while he was sitting under a tree, Jesus made his day.

I could only imagine what me saying hello to someone, smiling at someone, listening to someone, changes their whole life. That they'd remember that girl that did something not extraordinary, just out of the ordinary and it would cause them to want to know why. Then I'd be able to say "because Someone did it for me". I know that sounds corny and maybe a little unrealistic but why can't it happen? Someone did do it for me. He died, He lived and after all...He chose me.

So what's my purpose? To make a difference. Not to just be here, not to just be content that I'm going to heaven but to change the life of someone just like Christ changed mine. I think that by me doing something out of the ordinary (saying hello to a complete stranger) God will do something extraordinary :)