The Big Reveal

I have taken time to re-read my blog posts from over the years and I have noticed a distinct trend running through them. I may not have labeled it or I may have danced around the issue but I realized for a few years, in some shape or form, that I have been battling fear. I know I wrote a post specificially on the issue but it wasn't until I read the posts again did I "hear" it in everything that was written. It's weird because it wasn't until that moment that I realized it was a constant. I stated how much I trust God, how much I loved God but yet I was stuck in this place of fear. Peter denied Christ. Three times to be exact. And he did so out of fear. Funny thing is, prior to this, he walked on water to meet Jesus. He stepped out on water on faith. He didn't rationalize how it was possible, he didn't fear, he saw Jesus and walked over to him. It has been said that once he took his eyes off of Jesus he began to sink. Later, out of fear, he denied ever knowing or being with Jesus. Fear keeps us from doing exactly what God wants to do. Fear not only hinders the blessing of someone else but it also hinders our own blessing. As I speak to someone or do something God asks, maybe I will be able to step out on faith and have my walk on water experience. I think fear is selfish. I know! How can I possibly say that after I have been saying that I have been quite fearful. Well, our fear keeps us from blessing someone else. What if, just maybe, the girl that asked Peter about Jesus and if he was with him, wanted to hear stories? What if she was asking because she'd seen the crowds or heard stories from her parents who heard it from the neighbors who heard it from a friend? What if she was asking because she had finally met someone who was there, who had first hand knowledge and all she wanted was to hear about this Jesus that had that town in an uproar. Fear does that to us. In one form or the other. We miss out on experiences because it's new or different and we don't dare do that. We don't go to places or speak to people about Christ because we may not be able to answer the questions. I don't ever think that God intended for us to be sooo super knowledgeable that we had an answer for everything. I'm learning it's okay to say "I don't know". But what if, just maybe, the question that you didn't know the answer to sparks something in you to go and look it up and in doing so, you find out more about who God is? And maybe, grow deeper in your pursuit of Christ. Fear is a tricky thing but it's the one thing that the devil will use time and time again. Fear keeps our eyes on our limitations. We are afraid because WE can't do it. We can't understand it, it doesn't make sense. So we...we fear. If we are living in a state of fear, even in one area of our lives, that means we become like Peter, we take our eyes off of Christ. Just imagine if we chose to focus on Jesus Christ. Not our problem, not the situation, not even how we are going to making through, just focus on Jesus, keep our eyes on Him. If we we could do that, we could walk on water.

Vacation

I have been counting down to my vacation because it would be a turning point for me. Well, I am here!! I left the country and just getting out of the hustle and bustle of the city has been .... refreshing. The stress seemed to dissipate as I stepped off the plane. My worries seemed to be so insignificant. It just felt good. I have wanted to move back home for a few years. It was always the plan but recently it became more of a forerunner. Then I started spending time with my family again and all of a sudden, it wasn't just a passing thought or something I would look into ever so often. Now, it was more like "how quickly can I move?" I didn't realize how much I missed my family until I have been around them for a few weeks over the past few years. More recently past few months. It feels good. It feels like.....home So, I guess I figured out what my new adventure is going to be. I remember my birthday and felt like a new chapter was going to begin in my life. Maybe this is it. Maybe, just maybe, I am preparing to go back home.

Fear.....

It sure is quite crippling , paralyzing even. It is most definitely the opposite of faith. Faith tells me to take a step, fear worries where that step will be and why. Faith tells me to trust, feat can see only the bad behind that blind trust. Faith brings me peace, fear confuses and worries. I am in that season of fear. The one that has me questioning every decision, second guessing myself, worrying to no avail and stressing me out to no end.i keep telling myself "trust God" but my actions don't. When did that happen? I think it was sometime around my birthday, sometime around realizing a new decade was before me and I still was not where I wanted to be. I woke up that morning and realized I was older. It wasn't the "I'm 18!!!!" Older not the "whoo hoo 21" older. Not even the "oh no! I'm 30" older. There was an excitement laced with dread. Suddenly things that I barely gave a thought to was right before me. The fact that I'm older and not married, no children was at the forefront. Then I thought of what I was doing with my life....stuff..just being busy. It was a sad revelation. I keep trying to claw my way to the top, to stop feeling so overwhelmed by my life, stop drowning in this sea of fear. So far fear is winning

A New Season

I am entering a new season in my life. I just had a birthday and it seems as if that awakened me to new possibilities. I starting being more aware of things; things I haven't done but wanted to and things I have yet to do. It definitely put things into perspective for me. Simple things I still have yet to do - skydiving is one such thing. Does it matter that I am afraid of heights? I guess I would have to start somewhere so I started with my weight. I am currently 10 pounds lighter :) Now if I could only kick up my exercise routine from once in a while to consistent. Who knows, maybe by summer I would have arrived at my goal weight :) I have certainly had time to evaluate the dos and don'ts over the last several years. Do fall in love. Don't let it be with a selfish, insensitive man (not that I was in love with him) Do live life to the fullest. Don't do it alone. I suppose that would mean that I need to be dependent upon Jesus. He's been the lifter of my head for so long I couldn't imagine any other way. Do forgive. Don't regret forgiving especially when there's a chance the person will do the same thing again. Lastly, enjoy this new season. The ups and downs. The hurts and the happiness. The good and the bad. I think as I laid in my bed the morning of my birthday and thought about my life thus far and I had no choice but to smile. As much as I still have my list of things to do...a sort of bucket list.....I have managed to do a lot in my.....years :). So, I gladly, happily and excitedly look forward to and embrace this new season in my life. The best is yet to come!!!

Transition

Wow....it has been such a long time writing! I had very good intentions to be here and to posts different things but I got distracted.Hmm....let's see I have officially graduated and I'm working. It feels great. Surprisingly, I love what I do - I'm a school nurse :). Of course like anything else it had its ups and downs. That's about as much update as I have. I am in this period of transition. My birthday is coming up and I am going to be one year older.i thought about all the things I had hoped to accomplish by now and have fallen short. I am not married, which means I do not have any kids. I do not have my masters and I am still paying my student loans off. Sigh. It was a very hard pill to swallow...some times it still is. However, like I said, I am in a transitional period. I feel a "selah" moment coming. I remember a pastor at my church said that in the bible when you saw the word selah, it meant you were about to transition to another level. There have been a lot of bumps, hurts and disappointments along the way but never to the point that I was destroyed. In my eyes, I have been just shy of failure, but I'm beginning to think that in God's eyes, I might very well be transitioning to another level....hopefully a deeper level. Job - I do like it but I am becoming restless. Do I just change scenery as in a different school or do I change the field completely(Public health) School - how I would love to be there but work and school? I know it can be done and that's not even my fear. My fear is if I really can afford to pursue a masters degree knowing that could very well mean more loans Home - I am getting tired of this fast paced life. It seems liked am always rushing to some place. Ironically, it's very, very rarely because I am late. It's because I have a particular train to catch and even thou I am on time, the distance where I have to go is far. I go from one meeting to another with very little time between. I am just tired. So I most definitely would like to move. I can't pretend that I always that I understand where God is leading me and I don't pretend I have a clue as to what he is doing but the is this assurance that as long as I keep my eyes focused on Him, I most certainly cannot go wrong.