Fear

So about a month ago I came back with an awesome, renewed passion for God and then WHAM! I became overwhelmed with fear that I was not going to pass my class; I was not going to graduate. After all the time I spent, including a failed class, this was it. I would have nothing to show for it. It was almost crippling me to the point where I was messing up in my clinical rotation. I just saw myself being taken over by this fear and I couldn’t do anything about it. It was paralyzing. I was trying in school to make sure that I did well but my professor was “yelling” at me and things just seemed to be getting worse. How do I overcome this fear? How do I “fix” it? The thing is, I can’t. I was so paralyzed by it that I didn’t know what to do, when do it or even where to begin. I felt as if I prayed and the fear only got worse, heavier, scarier. I have never been in this position before and it really is debilitating. Yet somewhere in the back of my head I hear God saying “you will never be put to shame”. Shame would be if I failed…again…and I didn’t graduate after telling everyone that I was going to. Shame would be having to look in the faces of my friends and family and say that after three years, I have nothing to show for it. Shame would be hearing any of my professors say that I didn’t pass. I know what He says but it’s barely a whisper and the loudness of all the fear is overwhelming.
Then….then I began to hear my…my heart’s song. It sang for the first time of how afraid I was and then something happened. As I began to pen the words it was like a fresh breeze was washing over me. With each word I wrote, there was a freedom from the fear that was coming. To be honest, I haven’t really looked back at the song. I know I need to edit it and make it “right” but a part of me feels as if it’s fine. I feel as if I wrote it simply to bring freedom to my soul; to lighten my burden. It was good…the sounds good by the way  Best song I’ve ever written. I guess because this means something; it is something so much more personal. Although, now that I think about it so was “Prodigal Daughter”. That came out of personal experience. Then there are other songs that I wrote that don’t seem so… right. I think I just wrote them. It makes sense now though. Songs that mean so much, that are big hits, always come out of personal experience 
Tonight, December 3, 2008, God spoke again. He told me that I must have confidence in Him; trust Him even though I might not understand, I might not see the end but I know that He’s…well, He’s God. I don’t have to worry, I don’t have to doubt. I know it’ll be alright and sometimes it takes a little while for me to get to that point BUT the journey to get there is not without it’s lessons and I learn every one of them. So…I will graduate on January 31st 2009. I will pass my finals, my class and on January 12, 2009, Professor Tesoro will place a nursing pin on me, give me a hug and I will say “thank you” all the while praising God because He did it! He brought me this far and will take me further.